1,001 Nights, Junot Diaz + Asobi Seksu

Tonight has been just like 1,001 nights. my frame narrative subsumes all these little minnie narratives until i've forgotten what the frame narrative was. it was like this:

I was fucking around online, and thought i'd go to the website of this japanese singer i really like--遊びセクス--when i thought, hm, i should compare the shipping costs of having this cd sent overseas from asia with the costs of having it sen via amazon, so then, i'm on the amazon website, and before you know it, i'm looking at new ds lite videogames, rpg, yoshi's island, final fantasy 3 reviews that i've already read before, and then somehow i ended up looking up anime dvd's, which led retroactively to manga, and before i knew it, i found my way back to music, and there was asobi seksu's eponymously named album, and sure enough, it was cheaper. well, i was about to buy that, and then the amazon add said, spend, i dunno, 18 more dollars Jackson, and shipping is free. well, i thought, that's not alot, so then i took a peak at other cd's, and i found feist's new album that comes out 1 may, and i thought, okay, i wanted this anyway, and i fucking luv her shit, so i'll just buy this and that should do it, but because amazon is selling it so cheap, i was short by like 2 dollars for free shipping, so then, i ended up back where i started, video games, anime, lit magazines, manga, and then, after looking up legal drug, i realized, i really want to order issue # 2 of that one manga, what was it called? i couldn't remember so i plopped down in front of my vent, near my other manga, freebies from my hachette internship and japanese books, and before i knew it, i forgot ALL ABOUT THE WHOLE POINT OF SITTING THERE, and i ended up reading two short stories by Junot Diaz i'd never touched before, "edison, new jersey" and "boyfriend," and it was only when i was flossing in the bathroom, that i realized, oh shit, that manga's called "eternal sabbath," so then once i was finished, i came back to my computer, my order in waiting, was still, well, waiting, to be ordered, and then i found a 2nd issue of eternal sabbath, and FINALLY placed my goddamn order. that has got to be the most complicated things i've ever done online, besides try to send a complete stranger porn in saudi arabia.

There's not doubt in my mind that Scheherazade would have been proud of me.

Winging the Short Story

I read a great story by celeste ng in one story. Despite its weak ending, it made me realize that i really don't have the slightest idea how to really write a story. or, said another way, i feel like all fiction writers wing it, and that's why sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't cuz we don't really know what we're doing (or we have to figure it out for each new story we write). And though a collection of paragraphs doesn't constitute a story necessarily, sometimes we hit just the right note. creatively, i'm at a good place, but technically, i could def improve. ng's story made me realize that.

Working on The Amnesia of Junebugs

I can't write anymore tonight. my forearms and eyes are fucking sore man. but, truth be told, my novel is coming along. i just finished the last Suzanne chapter, now i have one more Assis chapter, a few short flashback chapters and the ending and i'm done. at least with this draft. god, i'm gonna be so elated once i'm finished with this piece of élan vital. i'm already on page 348, but i've still got probably another 40 pages to go. really, when i think about that, that's nothing. 40 pages. but in some way, the last 20 matter the most. i will spend probably the next year revising just those last 20 pages. but for now, onward! just 40 more pages or so, and then i'm all done . . . i can't even explain the joy and delight that will take place inside my heart when i can say that, even about a well-written draft.

Chuck Wachtel Gives Me Some Props for The Amnesia of Junebugs

Yo, I'm so happy. i want these words framed and put above my bed. this is what chuck wachtel, the associate professor of fiction at NYU who judged this year's sparks prize entry wrote about my submission:

Selecting this submissions as the first prize winner was easy. i was quickly engaged in the fast-paced cinematic prose, the humor, the vigorous motion of the plot. the narrator tells the story in a scatter-shot through controlled voice that at times brought junot diaz's stories to mind, at times, the earlier novels of lois-ann yamanaka. there is a surprising emotional accuracy, thus a genuine pathos: the work of this young author is already possessed of a genuine fictional beauty.

Every time i'm sad, discouraged, uninspired, self-destructive, professionally lost, creatively mercurial or just feeling like shit, i'm gonna re-read that quote and remember that for one moment, someone saw my writing exactly as i was trying to write it: cinematically, beautifully, with bursts of controlled intensity reminiscent of junot diaz. for one single second, i felt like a shorty that just met a man who understood her perfectly. if it's possible to be in love with the critical remarks of a stranger, then surely i am. in a continous flash flood of rejections, jeers and insults, it's good to have these little islands to gather strength from.

Winning the Sparks Prize

I can't fucking believe it. I won the sparks prize. i really did, i won it. i keep telling myself this over and over again cuz i don't really believe it. for those of you not at notre dame (i.e., the rest of the civilized world), the sparks prize is a competition open to 2nd year MFA students in notre dame's creative writing program and the winner gets 20k and has no comittments except one public reading of his bip (book-in-progress). it's the sweetest deal ever and i never thought i'd really win it cuz it's so unpredictable.

Unofficially, i'm planning on moving back to chicago, and coming down for some of the Lula readings, some of the guest fiction readings, and some of the football games. i most def. want to have a stronger presence on campus than the past 2 winners--no disrespect to them at all. and i think chicago is a perfect compromise: it's close enough for me to still be part of notre dame but far enough that i get breathe in urban culture, eat thai food more often, and--imagine this--possibly date again.

Perhaps even cooler than this prize, is just the love and encouragement from my fellow writers and friends. when coleen called me, i thought i was having an out-of-body experience. no, for real. i think i almost stepped out of my body i was so stoked. coleen's excitement was so touching, i almost started crying right there. and then when some of my peeps wrote me, and told me "jackson, you deserve this," god man, that moved me so much, that almost meant more than anything else. i mean, if they approve of the prize in any way, then i feel like, hey, maybe i do deserve this as much as anyone else.

Today is the literal antithesis of yesterday: yesterday, it was 73, i was wearing a t-shirt, and i found out the JET program rejected me. today, i was wearing my winter coat, it was 37 degrees, and i found out i won the sparks prize--the complete reciprocal image of yesterday in every possible way. wednesday has always been the day of change for me, a period of transition between energy fields. but i never expected it to work out THIS way. not in a million years. a humdulilah.

::

In the next couple of weeks, i'm gonna write up a daily schedule for the next year that includes some or all of these things:

yoga and meditation
exercise (e.g. biking and or jogging)
read 2 hours of fiction, non-fiction and poetry every day, both journals and books
write AT LEAST one piece of flash fiction each and every day
submit manuscripts every single week to journals, both online and print
research and attend at least 2 conferences (one of which, should be AWP)
find an agent if Lynn Nesbit doesn't bite
write for at least 4 hours everyday
try to publish 10 new stories in the next academic calender year

Well, that's just the beginning, but that's the basic idea. i'm totally gonna take this prize seriously and give it the honor and respect and hard work it deserves, otherwise, i don't deserve it.

No Rice for You

You know, i can deal with this. i mean, i'm still kinda shocked and i think it's kinda ridiculous i didn't get a JET assignment. But honestly, tangibly, constructively, what the fuck can I do now, except:

give
keep writing
travel when i can
devote myself to becoming a better fiction writer
publish my novel
love
help people
yadda yadda

I know it doesn't look like it right now since i've gotten nothing but rejections since the year started, but 2007 is gonna be a good year, i just know it. i'm just waiting for the universe to agree with me.

Who Is Zis Man?

I just had the strangest interaction. i got this email on my notre dame account from eduardo corral--hi eduardo, como estás?--that said, i've been reading your live journal entries and i totally feel what you're going through. at first i was like, who? who is this guy? turns out, he's a talented latino poet. . . i did some research, found a rad poem of his about frida kahlo on a web del sol chapbook. he has this one image of the curtains moving like honey in a jar, and i was like, yo, this guy's got it going on. he's a really good writer. so far, so good. but there is where it gets weird: yesterday, i got my rejection letter from colgate, and the painfully generic reject letter said: Our fellowship in creative writing for 2007-2008 has just been awarded to the poet. . . you guessed it. . . eduardo fucking corral. okay, they didn't swear, but i'm gonna. what are the odds? the person who randomly emails me is the same dude who ends up winning the colgate fellowship, and i get BOTH letters on the same fucking day. mathematically, let me just say, that's uncanny.

And then the hits just keep coming. i decide to do a little counter e-stalking if you will, and learn more about this Eduardo Corral: turns out, he has degrees from iowa and arizona state, he's been published in some decent journals, and he's a talented, emerging latino poet. then, once i find HIS blog, i find out, not only did he win the colgate fellowship, but he also recently received a goddamn YADDO RESIDENCY. basically, this guy is doing almost everything i wanted to do this year, except, maybe, write reviews about judy garland. amazing stuff.

::

I walked to the post office today to send my ninth letter submission to juan, the non fiction editor who's slowly becoming a friend of mine since we met at awp. i revised my lyrical essay and now i hope he likes it enough to take a bite.

As i was about to walk back, it started raining and i kinda loved it. i mean, i just stood there under the awning of the post office, waiting for the rain to stop, held captive by that perfect moment, forced, willingly, to stand there and just count the streaks in the sky. it was like waking up in the desert, forced to count the shades of blue until the sun eats away at the constellations: the mistake was more beautiful than the intention, that's what was so great about it.

Post-MFA Crisis Really Begins

Well, my rejection list is almost complete. no's from:

the george bennett fiction fellowship
yaddo corporation
and recently, the colgate creative writing fellowship.

This leaves:

the sparks prize
the JET program
emory university fiction fellowship

at this point, any of those would do. but if not, i'll figure something else out. i'm still kinda keen on chicago or osaka though, personally. on verra. . .

Ladies and Gentleman, Hassan Is Dead

It makes me sad, real sad. i actually cried as i was finishing this chapter, i got so wrapped into the moment and i just felt Assis's anguish. i know how much he loves Hassan.

I realized as i washing the dishes today that none of my characters have a strong/positive/good relationship with their fathers. Brianna's father joined a cult, Jean-boy's father cheats on his mom, Winnie Yu and Ginger Lin both lost their dads, Suzanne loves her dad, but we don't see them interacting (except maybe at the end of the novel), and though Assis loves his father, they don't talk to each other at all and Hassan is clearly his surrogate father. in summary: 2 dead fathers, 1 cheating father, and 3 missing, aloof, detached or uninvolved fathers. man, do i have an issues with father figures or what?

Bummer: No Yaddo Fellowship This Year

Man, i'm kinda depressed right now. i just got my rejection letter from yaddo, and that was one of the fellowships i wanted the most for so many different reasons--the solitude, the beauty of saratoga springs, the productivity, the presitge--and now i have nothing worked out for the summer. it's amazing how one letter can change your status from hopeful and mysterious to despondent and chaotic.

I don't know how, but sometimes i forget how much rejection there is in writing, how on every level of this process--the mfa program, the literary journal, the agent, the publishing house, the fellowship, the grant--rejection is actually the rule, and acceptance, the anomaly. i keep on forgetting. . . i keep getting these outlandidsh hopes, i keep feeding my insatiable dreamlife, and then yaddo rejects me and i realize how quixotic i really am. it's humbling and it hurts. . .

i just knew by the size of the envelope that yaddo had rejected me, so, before i opened the letter, i took a bunch of pictures of myself in my mod squad look when i still felt talented and hopeful. that way, they couldn't take it away.

25 Things I Totally Didn't Need to Number But Did Anyway, because It Looks Cleaner

Wow, the world really is coming to an end:

1. kpg and d split up--well, for now anyway--and i'm still in shock and disbelief about it.

2. hassan, one of my fave novel characters, is about to be killed. yes, it's capital punishment time at the bliss house. sad times.

3. i think about erika alot, and i've only gone on one date with her and i'm trying to understand what that means, especially in light of the fact that em and i are so magical together, and kelly and i hit it off so well. i have my theories about this, but i'll think about them more first before i syndicate them to the world.

4. ND lost to fucking WINTHROP in the first round of the NCAA tournament. ah, like i really care.

5. i haven't gotten a single new story published in 2007 and i'm starting to freak out a little bit. i mean, 2006 was pretty good for me: blazevox, syntax, right hand pointing, the pittsburgh review, 3:am magazine, soma literary review, the taj majal review--i think, writer advice, ink collective. . . but so far, for 2007: nothing, zilp, zilch, nada, rien, nanimo! man, i hope that changes soon. I'd like to add to my meagre publishing history. i mean, as far as i'm concerned, i haven't done shit yet.

6. in two months, i'm pretty much on my own again, and i'm headed either to chicago, atlanta, new york, japan, or possibily to a free-love cult where you do nothing but smoke pot and sleep with hippy twins all day.

7. after seeing kelly's 2 new tattoos, i'm fucking envious. i want another tattoo.

8. i haven't had sex since october. . . at the end of march--if i have to wait that long--it will be 5 months. god, how depressing.

9. related to #8, i'm absolutely, positively, dreadfully sick of porn.

10. part of me wants to move to morocco and work at an orphanage. not joking.

but, i do have faith that ONE or more of the following things will work out:

1. dave eggers will pick up one of my stories, or at least write me one nice sentence i can hang on the wall, right above my bed. hey, look at that, i'll say to my next lover, dave eggers wrote that, i'll say, it says "sorry," she says, i know that, i say, but dave eggers wrote that, i'll explain

2. blood lotus, contrary magazine, tarpaulin sky, wordiot, diagram, narrative, quickfiction, pindeldyboz, the new yorker, miranda literary review, void and lost magazine, hayden's ferry review, greensboro review, indiana review, nimrod, another chicago magazine, puerto del sol, smokelong quarterly, verbsap or the furnace review could pick up one or more of my stories, which would make me feel alot better about the world at large

3. 9th letter might pick up my memoir, if jms likes my story, and that would be awesome

4. 1/4 after 8 could pick up "blank sheet of paper." i mean, it could happen

5. april might be the month that i find out i won the playboy, atlantic or vanity fair contests. . . well, i'm just saying, you never know

6. one of many of my other fave lit journals could surpirse me and pick up a story i just assumed they'd lost, or used as surrogate plates for their annual spring barbecue

7. michael martone could surprise me and say, jackson, this story is so good, i think i've found a home for it. hey, it could happen

8. i could either win the sparks prize, get the colgate writer-in-residence fellowship, get the emory fiction fellowship, or move to japan, maybe osaka, and that would be something to write in my blog.

9. i might get a new tattoo

10. i could get a yaddo fellowship

11. lynn nesbit could finally put me out of my misery and take me on as her agent.

12. i could be getting laid a month from now, or be madly in love.

13. kpg could be getting laid a month from now, or be madly in love, this time, with a gorgeous woman.

14. kpg and i could be roomates, possibly, if we both moved to chicago.

15. the weather will get warmer

Yes, it occurs to me that maybe only #9, #13and #15 will happen, but i still have faith in the other numbers, in my life, and in this universe. even so: come on other numbers! you can do it! every number gets a fair chance in my book, you hear me? i want EVERY number to be a winner!

Sparks Prize Deconstructed

I've broken down the sparks prize enough to know that it:

1. Does not necessarily decide which writer is the most talented

2. Does not which writer necessarily works the hardest (though I think I'm undoubtedly one of the hardest working writers in our program, that much I will say)

So, i shouldn't trip if i don't get it, which is a very definite possibility

It's a prize that's based on the judge's perception of which manuscript is the most publishable, and as we all know, a lot of complete shit gets published, and a lot of amazing writing gets rejected continuously, and then, sometimes, good writing slips through the cracks too, and then, on top of everything, even if i don't win the sparks prize, i still think i'll get my book published in the next couple of years, and i've already been published. so there.

It's just that the sparks prize is 20k with NO COMITTMENT EXCEPT ONE PUBLIC READING.

All things considered, i guess winning the sparks prize would really be the perfect way to end my MFA and spend time in Chicago again with my brother, friends and family and i know i'd work really hard and write all the fucking time to honor that prize and the privilege of having a year to develop my career, but those are rational reasons, and rationalism doesn't trump subjectivity or art, and honestly, it's not supposed to. i really loved interpreter of maladies, but do i think it was the best book in 2003? god no, absolutely not the best, but certainly one of the best books that year. and ditto with salman rushdie and the nobel prize in literature. just cuz he deserves it doesn't mean he's going to win it. and thought these might be lofty self-juxtapositions, i find comfort in them.

I guess i have to for now since next month is judgment day, and, ultimately, i have to accept the fact that even if i think i'm one of the most talented fiction writers in this program, and one of the hardest working ones too, that doesn't mean shit for this award. the beauty and the brutality of the sparks prize is that it's given completely out of context, which means the best writer could win it, or just as easily, the biggest poser of all time could win it too. in 30 pages, you can fake almost anything.


Okay. End of sparks prize lamentation

Lucky Charms

Today feels very lucky charms if you know what i mean. i turned in my thesis--all 220 pages of it, but it's missing section 3 and the concluding chapter that i'm gonna be working on in the next 2 months before i turn the entire novel in in late april. it's such an amazing weight off my shoulders. it's magically delicious.

And i got a copy of ink collective in the mail today, and i most def. love it. it's small, tight, beautifully produced, the art and the cartoons are great. and there's something so satisfying about seeing your name in print. sweeter than purple horse shoes and green pots of gold and sweet gray milk.

The Day I Met Dave Eggers

Today i met Dave Eggers,

And he was hella cool. the Q and A session was interesting. i asked him about the literary value of entertainment versus craft, commercial versus literary in his writing and he said that it was really important for his writing to be entertaining, that he liked contemporary writers like barthelme, david foster wallace and rick moody alot, that experimentalist do wonderful, smart things with form, but they don't have a sense of humor. . . which is often so true . . and he wanted that in his writing.

And then tonight, at the book signing, i talked to dave and valentino for maybe 5 minutes or so, i told dave how i volunteered in west africa.

--where were you in africa? Dave asked.
--burkina faso.
--oh, really?
--yeah, i said, and what's crazy is, when i moved to portland, i end up translating for this mauritanian refugee at his political asylum interview at the INS because i speak french and i'm used to the africa french accent, and it was there that i realized how powerful language can really be.
--yeah, totally, dave said.
Valentino nodded.
then i told dave how i just recently sent a story to McSweeney's and asked him if he might consider taking a look at it.
--sure, he said, i've love to. you'll want to resend it because it's already in the machine, but i'd love to take a look, especially if it's about burkina faso. just tell the editors i asked you to send it to me.
--cool, i said,
--what's your name? he asked.
--jackson bliss.
--jackson BLISS? he said incredulously.
--yeah, i said.
--okay.
--and oh valentino, i went on, i want you to know that i wrote my congressmen several years ago on behalf of darfur and he was one of the congressmen who helped passed legislation.
--the sudan act.
--yeah, that's the one, i said.
--thank you.

I shook valentino's hand, dave shook mine, jackson was very very stoked.

When i came home, i read what dave eggeres had written. In:


He Wrote:

Jackson. [picture of a strange blob] <-----Robert, IV


In:


He Wrote:

JACKSON!

so good to know you're here.

Of course, Dave Eggers is being a smart-ass and he writes random stuff like this in everyone's book, but i appreciate the evolution between the first lower case jackson with a period and the second uppercase jackson with an exclamation point. pathetic, i know, but these little things matter when you're an emerging writer. and until dave eggers and me are sharing the same stage or interviewing each other for TIN HOUSE magazine, i'll take this small little moment of writerly connection.

Sad Times in Snow Country

I submitted a short memoir about my grandmama to brevity journal. i would LOVE it if they would pick it up. it's perfect for them. and it's a homage made with so much love and adoration. it's strange, when someone you love dies, you sometimes find that you love them more once they're gone, or at least, you love them with more honesty and less restraint. only cuz you didn't really understand what they meant to you when they were alive, cuz you were blinded by routine, weighed down by baggage, cuz you were afraid of losing them, which meant losing the part of you that is part of them. but once they're gone, you don't have a choice anymore. sometimes you just love them because you're not afraid anymore. i've written about my sobo a few times. i just don't know another way to show her my love except by putting a picture of her on my altar, and using language to capture the things that have slipped through my fingers.

Slowly Finding My Rhythm

Recently, I got the standard rejections from the following journals, but what else is new?:

Chelsea--bitchhes
Bellingham review. hmph.
Greensboro review, though the editor did say he loved my piece.
Blood lotus
Bryant literary review
Iowa review

Yup, a tough day on the homefront, but it's cool. i'm working on my thesis (my nove)l right now so i'm taking a temporary hiatus from submitting, which will be good for me. i've also been working on this essay about technology. it's become pretty tight. i like it.